SO YOUR GETTING MARRIED: DO YOU OWN A MOOD RING ?

I’VE BEEN MARRIED AND DIVORCED 3X, I HAVE NO ADVICE FOR YOU” BUT A “MOOD RING MIGHT SAVE YOU SOME MISERY !

Just how many bachelor’s have PartyDancersUSA sent to their deaths? Well, not literally to their deaths, let’s change that description to “a long walk on a short pier” 🙂  I’ll admit to have entered into this what I best describe as a “stand-offish union” three separate times with no good results. Now with that said, I’m not dead set against marriage, it’s my job to bring the down side along with me for each bachelor party I do, you know some “tongue in cheek”, a little “dark humor” and first hand experience I like to share from my married days that many of the guys in attendance can relate to in one way or another. Do I/we disrespect marriage as a whole… “absolutely not”. It’s all kept in good fun and good taste.

YOUR GETTING MARRIED BUT HAVE YOU TRIED THIS TEST FIRST ?

Let me explain…  a bachelor party is meant to be bodacious, risqué with much drinking, laughing with friends and a time to remember. A rite of passage. Life is changing, some friends like the idea because now you’ll join the club, others don’t understand and feel abandoned, you’re going away. Not really going away but now you have someone who means the world too you. Friday nights are over, the herd is thinning out.

Ok, so much for the crying, let me lend some advice. I’ll admit I’m someone who probably shouldn’t be giving pointers on marriage but I do know a few things and some preventive measures to make sure you DON’T marry the wrong woman this time or anytime.

After the demise of my third marriage which lasted all of “13” days ( perfect number huh? ) before I realized I had made a terrible mistake and hightailed it never to look back I decided right then that this debacle would not happen again! Some 20 years later I found myself being pressured once again to “get married”, 20 years of being single and loving it I hadn’t even considered putting myself through hell again. I just know I’m not lucky in love so leave it alone.

SO YOUR GETTING MARRIED THAT’S THE FUN PART, THE MARRAIGE IS THE TEST

So… after 3 years of this certain lady pushing this bitter pill down this throat I came up with a sure-fire test just to confirm what I already knew “she wasn’t anyone I would marry, hell I don’t think I really liked her that much”. With that I hatched my plan, I headed over to “Days Jewelers” looking for the “perfect gift” which also would double as the last test! I looked and looked and finally asked the jeweler, I did feel a little stupid asking for a “MOOD RING” but to my surprise they actually had a line of semi expensive “Mood Rings”! Who would have thunk it?

For those of you who don’t know what a “mood ring” is or what it does. A “mood ring” was a big item in the “1970’s” which everybody had to have one like these days everyone wants a iPod. But the “mood ring” has a special gift it can show you if the person wearing it has a warm heart when your around. Well I’m not exactly sure it can do this BUT it will show you if the person wearing it has good circulation. Either way if you want to play hocus pocus on someone who also believes in Ouija Boards and your pretty positive is just using you for a meal ticket it comes in handy pissing them off.

With the gift in hand I found the right moment and present my princess with her “precious ring”,  yes I know she was expecting something much more extravagant, looked at me like I was crazy as hell and almost threw it at me but I immediately went into selling mode explaining to her about this “beautiful mood ring” and how it would look so gorgeous on her finger. SHE BOUGHT IT 😉

IF YOUR GETTING MARRIED BETTER YOU PAY ATTENTION TO THE RING COLORS !

I paid strict attention when she slipped it on, I mean it was plain as day that this mood gauge had immediately turned “BLACK”! Black as night, black as the coldest heart, I mean black! She noticed it too and made some comment about it needed to warm up or something. Take it from me, it “NEVER” warmed up, in fact it stayed black 24/7 for 3 weeks. I made sarcastic comments from time to time about the ring, its color and jokes she didn’t find one bit funny. The last day she had the ring we were riding on the interstate and I pointed out the color (which was black as always), she got pissed and claimed the ring was defective, pulled it off and was looking at it closely when I asked her to put it on my small finger, She did and it immediately turned “BLUE”!

“Blue” I said “look its blue”, yes it was blue, blue as the sky. I was harping on it, knowing I had succeeded in flushing the witch out of her. My Queenie snatched the ring, put it back on her finger for a few seconds, her face went blank while she watched it turn black once again. She realized right then it had told on her and with that she ripped it off her digit while rolling down the window and chucked it with no remorse, no feeling, nothing.

I grinned and knew my plan had worked, my darling, this female who had driven the thought of holy matrimony at me for 3 years now had no remorse, no feelings and nothing for me.

GETTING MARRIED ARE WE ? MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A FAST CAR HANDY JUST IN CASE !

I’m out of here !

Think what you want about my crazy plan, that “mood rings” aren’t accurate, how could I base a life changing decision on a piece of jewelry and who would go to such lengths ? Listen, tons of people make life changing decisions over more expensive jewelry (diamonds) which end up in pawn shops all around our nation each and every day and besides that expensive diamond doesn’t give you any feedback only one night of great sex and to me that’s not worth the years of misery if it doesn’t work out 😉

SWEAR BY YOUR MOOD RING !